Parents how do you "cut the mattress tags"?

well sometimes i go 58 in a 50 mph zone, i lie and say i have to pee but really i just want to be by myself for a few mins, i say i'm going to diet and then buy creme puffs or i convince myself i'm eating veggies when i get onions on a cheese steak, and the worst crime of all i laugh at all my own jokes. i'm living on the edge. :-)